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Words and Phrases to not say to your Partner

Polly Stevens

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We’ve all probably said things we don’t mean and later regret. Hey, we’re humans—it’s part of our imperfect nature. While our significant others tend to be the closest people in our lives, with whom we share everything with, he or she is still someone who deserves to be spoken to with the utmost respect. For this reason, experts warn against using certain language when speaking to a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé/e, husband, or wife. “You can’t take words back—they will continue to echo in the mind and heart of your partner,” says Wendi L. Dumbroff, a licensed professional counselor. Here are some of the words and phrases they recommend removing from your relational vocab—and what to say instead.

“Always” and “Never”

If you’re looking for words that can add fuel a fight between two people, it’s these. “Always and never statements are most often used in an accusatory and argumentative way, which leads to a defensive reaction in order to clarify the exaggeration or untruth,” says Julienne Derichs, LCPC, a licensed clinical professional counselor. “Defensiveness breaks down communication, so you are left defending your position and not listening to your significant other, which is what they wanted in the first place.” She recommends explaining how you feel instead. For example, say things like, “When you ____ I feel ____,” or “I really need your help with something I’m struggling with.”

“Should”

Ever heard of the saying, “shoulda, woulda, coulda?” While it might take on different meanings, the general consensus is that phrases involving “should” pigeonhole an individual into doing, saying, or feeling something. “This word encourages controlling and judgmental interactions,” says Derichs. “Thinking ‘should’ about your partner, or being on the receiving end of a ‘should,’ creates a negative mood and can be hurtful for any relationship, especially a loving one.” She suggests using the word “choose” in its place.

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“Calm down”

There are so many good ways to handle an argument with your significant other, but one surefire way to make things worse is to tell them to calm down. “This phrase leaves your partner feeling unjustified, unheard, and completely put down,” says Derichs. “It sends the message ‘I’m fine, but you need to calm down and relax,’ or ‘You are all alone in this.’” Instead, she suggests saying something along the lines, “Let me help you with this,” or “Can we just take a breath first and slow things down.”

“Why don’t you…”

Whatever you say at the end of this phrase will likely sound like a criticism of something your partner didn’t do, say, think, or feel. Derichs suggests trying to make a request instead. For example, say “I really appreciate when you put the dishes in the dishwasher when you’re done with them. Could you do that for me more often?’” “When you make a direct request it may feel riskier because you are putting yourself right out there stating what you need in a clear way,” explains Derichs. “This risk is that you may not get your need met, but at least it is clear what you need or appreciate or want more of, and also decreases the likelihood that your partner will become defensive.”

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“Perfection”

Unless you’re telling your partner that he or she is total perfection, Dumbroff suggests removing this word from your marriage vocab. “Perfection is an impossible goal, whether we expect it of ourselves, our partner, or we have some insane idea that our relationship must be ‘perfect,’” she says. “If you believe that everything has to be perfect, you will likely never be happy because you will forever be trying to attain an impossible goal—plus, you will also be putting pressure on your partner (and children) to attain something unachievable.” Instead, she prefers language that focuses on people striving to do their best.

Divorce

This one should go without saying, but it’s incredibly ill-advised to ever mention, let alone threaten, a divorce unless you really, really mean it. You can’t take back a statement like that so easily. “I know a couple where the woman kept threatening that she was going to divorce her husband until he said he wanted a divorce,” says Elliott R Katz, author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants. “She never meant it and never wanted a divorce, but she got one.”

This article originally appeared on Martha Stewart Weddings.

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9 Everyday Things To Do To Help Kids In Managing Emotions At All Times

Tara Christie

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9 Everyday Things To Do To Help Kids In Managing Emotions At All Times

It’s natural for parents to be concerned about their children’s academic prowess and “IQ,” but these days, more are seeing the importance of developing emotional intelligence, or “EQ.” Parents are getting more and more concern about how kids learn in managing emotions.

“Being emotionally intelligent helps kids manage their feelings in constructive ways, resolve conflict, and solve problems,” said Donna Housman, a clinical psychologist with 30 years of experience in early childhood development. “The ability to manage one’s own emotions, and cope with the emotions of others, along with an increased sensitivity to how others feel, is key to developing empathy, compassion, understanding and acceptance of differences between and among us.”

Research also suggests that emotional intelligence is linked to greater success in school, stronger communication skills, better relationships, self-awareness, resilience, improved mental health, and other positive outcomes. The good news is parents can help lay the foundation for this success early in their children’s lives.

“A parent’s role is integral to the development of children’s emotional intelligence,” Housman noted. “Given that children develop within the context of relationships, parents’ responsiveness, support and reassurance is vital in helping children learn to effectively manage and cope with the vast array of emotions they experience on a daily basis.”

To that end, HuffPost asked Housman and other experts to share some simple, everyday ways caregivers can foster emotional intelligence in their children. Read on for nine suggestions.

 

9 Everyday Things To Do To Help Kids In Managing Emotions At All Times

 

“To help build a child’s emotional intelligence, parents can and should help their kids identify their emotions daily, and give them permission to have and experience those emotions,” advised Housman.

The more kids practice identifying and discussing their emotions, the more comfortable they will be managing them. Parents can make this part of their family’s everyday ritual.

“A simple tool is to ask the question, ‘What emotion or emotions are you feeling today?‘” said Ravi Rao, a pediatric neurosurgeon turned children’s show host. “We’ve been too conditioned to respond to ‘How are you?’ with an automatic ‘fine’ even when we’re not fine. A more specific question eliciting the child to talk about their emotional state builds self-awareness and confidence.”

“Model the skills that you want your child to learn. Kids are paying attention to what we’re doing, and we’re role models, whether we’re being intentional about it or not.”

– KATHY KINSNER, SENIOR MANAGER OF PARENTING RESOURCES AT ZERO TO THREE

Parents can help kids practice identifying emotions in the characters they observe in books, movies or TV shows by asking questions like “Do you think that lady looks happy or sad?” Housman also suggested creating or printing out “emotions charts” to help kids recognize different emotions in themselves and others ― and understand that feelings are natural and constantly changing.

Set Aside Drawing Or Journaling Time

“Activities like journaling together can also help,” said Jean Paul Paulynice, creator of an 11-part social-emotional learning curriculum called Empowering Confident Youth. “At the end of every day, parents should sit down with their children and have them write down what happened to them, how they felt and how they dealt with their emotions.”

He suggested that parents periodically ask their kids to look back over their journal entries, note any behavioral trends and reflect on times when they might have overreacted to a situation or acted in a manner that they came to regret later. Younger kids can do this with art by drawing pictures of how they’re feeling and explaining the art to their parents.

Talk About Your Own Feelings

As with other fundamental lessons, kids often learn more from what their parents do when it comes to emotions than from what their parents tell them to do.

“Model the skills that you want your child to learn,” said Kathy Kinsner, senior manager of parenting resources at the infant-toddler development nonprofit Zero To Three. “Kids are paying attention to what we’re doing, and we’re role models, whether we’re being intentional about it or not. For example, if you’re having trouble placing an online order, you can say aloud, ‘I’m so frustrated. I’m going to get up and take a break and then start fresh.’”

If parents want their children to feel comfortable talking about their feelings, they should openly discuss their own emotions with their kids as well. On any given day, parents can describe how they’re feeling, label that emotion and demonstrate how to express it in a healthy way or use problem-solving to cope with it. For parents who struggle with their feelings, this may take some extra work, but it’s worth the effort.

 

“The more parents authentically and effectively deal with their own emotions and those of others, the more successful the children will be in developing healthier relationships, and achieving greater success at school, work, and in their personal relationships,” Housman explained. “When parents are more aware of their own emotions, sensitive and empathic to the emotions of others, both children and parents will feel better, relate better, and live better!”

Normalize Negative Emotions

Although it’s natural for parents to want to shelter their children from negative experiences or emotions, this actually does a disservice to their emotional development. Instead, parents should help their kids understand that all feelings are natural and normal, and it’s how we deal with them that matters most.

“You can make emotional intelligence a priority in your children’s development by doing what I call ‘Don’t Save Your Kids,’” said clinical psychologist John Mayer. “That means don’t overprotect your kids from life’s stressors. Don’t run interference between kids and life ― school, activities, teachers ― instead of letting them learn how to handle the emotional state this brings and the responsibility of it.”

Additionally, parents shouldn’t avoid talking about negative emotions, sweep them under the rug or let them bubble up, which can lead to unhealthy outbursts. Sometimes the fear of a negative emotion is worse than the actual experience of the emotion. When you’re having a tough day, you don’t have to go into detail if it’s not age-appropriate, but you should still be honest about what you’re feeling.

“The crucial steps to fully developing emotional intelligence include noticing the emotion, labeling it, and asking what to do about it.”

– KERRY GOYETTE, AUTHOR OF “THE NON-OBVIOUS GUIDE TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE”

“We want to teach our kids how to honor uncomfortable feelings such as anxiety and frustration in a healthy way, so they don’t feel they have to suppress these powerful feelings,” said Maggie Craddock, a family therapist and executive coach.

Discuss Appropriate Ways To Expressing And Managing Emotions

“One crucial element of emotional intelligence is problem solving,” said Kerry Goyette, author of “The Non-Obvious Guide to Emotional Intelligence.” “Often, when we think about developing a child’s EQ, we think only about empathy. If a child is sad, we believe all we have to do is notice their feeling and commiserate.

But we can’t stop there. The crucial steps to fully developing emotional intelligence include noticing the emotion, labeling it, and asking what to do about it.”

Once parents have created a positive feedback loop by helping their kids to recognize, label and discuss their feelings, they can move onto the next step of coaching them through how to deal with their emotions, if negative. The key is to do a lot of listening and question-asking to guide them toward ways of constructively expressing and managing the intensity of their feelings.

“If they’re angry, ask what are you going to do,” Goyette suggested. “Is there something they can change? Many parents step in and solve the child’s problem themselves, but that signals to the child that they aren’t capable of doing it themself. Instead, try coaching. You might ask pointed questions, and they might not figure it out all by themselves at first, but it helps them develop their sense of self-reliance.”

Parents can include kids in the healthy things they do to process intense emotions, like taking a walk or playing games in the backyard to blow off steam at the end of a stressful day. Let kids learn the art of managing emotions.

Own Up To Your Mistakes

As imperfect humans, we all inevitably make mistakes, even if we’re trying our best. When it comes to  managing emotions, parents should own up to the moments when they unintentionally blow up in front of their kids or otherwise fail to cope with stress in healthy ways.

“We want to consistently practice admitting our mistakes and taking action to correct behavior that may inadvertently hurt others feelings,” Craddock noted. “For example, when our spouse brings up a topic that triggers us in front of the kids, we may want to defuse the situation as kindly as possible and avoid power struggles when possible. Remember, you are always modeling relational skills in front of your kids, and you want them to internalize ways to deal with conflict that fortify their personal integrity rather than diminishing it.”

Admitting when you messed up and taking action to correct it shows kids that emotional intelligence is a lifelong skill that everyone can continue to cultivate over time. This also encourages kids to own up when they make mistakes as well, though sometimes you have to wait until the heat of the moment has passed.

“Revisit other ways to behave once everybody has had a chance to calm down,” advised Kinsner. “Say, ‘You were upset because you wanted to play with the truck. But hitting is not OK. What could you do next time? You can ask mom for help. You can ask for a turn. You can find something else to play with.’”

On the flip side, parents should also offer positive reinforcement when their kids do display emotional intelligence by recognizing their good behavior and maybe even offering a reward in some instances.

Expose Them To New Experiences And People

“Parents should seek to involve their children in new activities and experiences whenever possible, including daily opportunities for new learning experiences,” said Paulynice.

“This can include something as simple as reading a book or watching a documentary together or trying a new hobby. The idea is to expose the child to new experiences that will expand their horizons,” he continued. “Volunteering in the community, such as at a homeless shelter or a senior living center, will also help to build empathy and compassion, which is a critical aspect of emotional intelligence.”

As kids experience new places, people and activities, their minds broaden to understand other experiences and perspectives.

“Encourage your kids to be able to put themselves in someone else’s shoes,” suggested psychotherapist Noel McDermott. “Encourage conversations that allow each other to express feelings in a nonjudgmental way.”

While the COVID-19 pandemic may limit certain kinds of opportunities right now, parents can also make plans for future activities, turn to digital options, and get creative at home. It’s important to show kids that people can make a difference in others’ lives through their own efforts and displays of support.

“Make empathy a verb in your family,” advised Craig A. Knippenberg, a therapist and author of “Wired and Connected: Brain-Based Solutions To Ensure Your Child’s Social and Emotional Success.

“What’s the point of having emotional intelligence without putting it to use to help others?” he added. “When parents demonstrate kindness to those in their world, that kindness becomes contagious to their children. Teach empathy.”

 

9 Everyday Things To Do To Help Kids In Managing Emotions At All Times

 

Have Fun With Emotions

Knippenberg also recommended making emotional learning experiences fun for kids throughout their development.

“Feeling charades is a great time for your preschool child,” he said. “Watch a Disney movie with the sound off and analyze what is occurring. Include a study of your animal companions and the many ways animals demonstrate emotional and social intelligence.”

“Reading stories together and talking about the emotions the characters are experiencing not only normalizes emotion by acknowledging others have the same kinds of feelings as us, but also helps children better understand cause and effect, and helps build empathy.”

– DONNA HOUSMAN, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

“For middle and elementary school students, watch ‘The Princess Diaries’ to see how the main character develops her emotional intelligence,” he added. “For young teens, when in a restaurant, try figuring out what other diners are feeling or talking about.”

He noted that unsupervised, unguided play also gives kids the chance to practice emotional and social skills, like how to support a friend in need or creative negotiate a conflict, on their own without adult guidance.

Read Books About Feelings

There are many excellent children’s books that specifically deal with feelings and emotional intelligence, but parents can use pretty much any story to teach these lessons as well.

“Reading stories together and talking about the emotions the characters are experiencing not only normalizes emotion by acknowledging others have the same kinds of feelings as us, but also helps children better understand cause and effect, and helps build empathy,” Housman explained.

Scotty Iseri, who created an emotional learning-focused podcast called “The Imagine Neighborhood,” recommended that parents ask kids to discuss the emotions they observe in the media they consume.

“When reading a book, or listening to a podcast, asking questions like, ‘Why do you think she is crying right now?’ or ‘Why do you think he felt that way?’, are ways to show children that you’re interested in and concerned with the emotions of other people,” he said.

Parents should also consider sharing personal stories that illustrate lessons about emotional intelligence, said author Siamak Taghaddos, whose children’s book, “The Mountain and The Goat,” focuses on cultivating a resourceful mindset.

“Share stories of how the little things matter,” he suggested. “Talk to kids not about EQ itself, but about how they, as parents, used examples of it that kids can learn from.

Whether it’s how they dealt with a tough situation they faced, or how they helped someone with a problem by putting themselves in their shoes, or why they chose a certain color for a design to help improve a product, anything that shows kids how the little things matter. Stories that show caring about others are fundamental.”

Kids must learn that managing emotions are important. it is as important as learning to read and write. Managing emotions must be taught at home. Parents should know how to teach managing emotions to their kids. As early as the kids are young, They must know that managing emotions are key to long term relationships. Managing emotions are key to understanding better in life.

As an example, parents must also be experts in managing emotions. When teaching kids, parents must live by example. Managing emotions should be a priority. It helps a lot in the kid’s development.  Teach empathy as a way of managing emotions. Let children enjoy the good things in life as means off managing emotions.

Original article by Caroline Bologna.

 

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4 Tips to Make Conscious Relationships Work In Our Daily Lives

Polly Stevens

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4 Tips to Make Conscious Relationships Work In Our Daily Lives

Let’s find out how conscious relationships thrive these days. Find out how these work in our daily lives…

How do we “beat the odds” in a time where separation and divorce are talked about more than successful partnerships? How did this happen? How did we get to this point?

Over the past decade, it seems like if you haven’t gone through a separation or been on the brink of one, then you are in the minority.

Relationships are shifting. People are busy. And there is not enough time to invest in one another with how busy our schedules have become. We live in a society where it is almost expected that we overextend ourselves, whether it be going to the office early and staying late, or having our kids in more activities than time allows for.

We need to take a break, a serious break. We need to give ourselves more time to be with ourselves, with our partners, and with our families. We need time to talk and reconnect.

Remember when there were no cell phones to endlessly scroll on at night before bed? No internet to surf? When we had to watch commercials on TV? These used to be some of the times when we would connect and check in with each other.

We’ve lost the art of connection.

Doing relationship work is hard, and taking the time to invest in working through issues takes time and dedication. It’s not an easy road, and this is often when couples decide to either separate instead of doing the hard work, or stay together and live miserably ever after.

A conscious relationship is when we treat others with respect, are fully present for the other person, communicate in a respectful manner, and are fully open and honest with our partner.

Want to know how to keep that connection and the conscious aspect alive in your partnership? Here are four tips to do just that:

 

4 Tips to Make Conscious Relationships Work In Our Daily Lives

 

1. Communication is Key for Conscious Relationships

We often confuse communication for talking or making conversation. Communication is about connecting, and hearing what your partner is saying. It’s about active listening and respective dialogue. The next time you talk with one another, try this: after each of you is finished speaking, repeat all of the points you each touched on to see how good your active listening skills are.

2. Conscious Relationships Need Trust

Although love is an obvious, key element in a relationship, without trust, a relationship is unable to grow. Having a strong, solid trust in your partner is what will help you survive the storms. If there is no trust, ask yourself, was there ever trust to begin with? If there was, how was it lost? Work through this reason with one another in an active listening, respectful way.

3. Honesty is Essential for Conscious Relationships to Work

Honesty is a way of life, not just a behaviour. When we have full faith in our partner, it allows for the freedom we need to be at ease, and lets our relationships move forward in the healthiest way. Can you be honest with your partner? If not, why?

 

4 Tips to Make Conscious Relationships Work In Our Daily Lives

 

4. Make Conscious Relationships Survive Daily with Respect

Respect in a relationship is not about controlling the other person, it is about allowing you and your partner to be yourselves and fully accepted for who you are. Everyone deserves equal respect, and if you are not giving it or receiving, why is that?

Taking a deeper dive into some of these questions and getting real with yourself and your partner can spark discussions deeper than just your busy day, the weather, or what bills need to get paid.

Having deep, meaningful discussions about things that are bothering us is a way to clear air, reconnect, and strengthen our relational skills and bonds with one another.

 

Original article by Meg Casten.

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10 Tips To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship & Avoid Lifelong Trauma

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10 Tips To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship & Avoid Lifelong Trauma

Polly Stevens

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Leaving a narcissistic relationship doesn’t end with simply physically leaving, packing up your belongings, and building a new life. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. During one of these times, she may lose her life.

Even after a person has permanently ended their relationship with the narcissist, oftentimes they can find themselves still shackled by the trauma of what happened. As a psychologist who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse regularly, I’ve seen the way a past relationship with a narcissist can continue to haunt someone and hold them back considerably even years down the line.

Leaving is the first step; it’s staying gone that’s the real legwork of healing from a narcissistic relationship. Gone from them in your head, body, and soul.

How to heal from your experience with a narcissist.

Let’s use an analogy we all understand. There is a wound, and we cannot merely slap on Band-Aids. We have to go deep and clean it and harness our natural ability to heal and rejuvenate. At the same time, we’ll ensure that the surface of the skin strengthens and beautifies. In other words, we work on both the roots and symptoms at the same time.

Here’s what you’ll need to do to heal from a narcissistic relationship:

 

10 Tips To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship & Avoid Lifelong Trauma

 

1. Don’t do this alone.

You can pick up books and articles about breaking up with a narcissist, but chances are, you’ll be fumbling with the DIY process and losing heart. When it comes to this type of trauma, working with a professional who can help guide you through is extremely important.

2. No or minimal contact.

If you do not have any more entanglements with them, keep it that way. Do not even dream of staying friends. Keep accountable to someone you can contact when you want to communicate with the narcissist. If you have joined responsibilities and assets, engage professionals and intermediaries.

This applies even to going to your previously shared property to collect your belongings.

Co-parenting with a narcissist can be more difficult than parenting on your own; they’ll use your children as puppets to hurt you further and undo the parenting you do. If you are fighting legal battles with your narcissistic ex, they’ll use the court as their new playground for abuse.

Remember, they know which buttons to push to discredit you; so do your part by engaging trusted lawyers and therapists who truly understand narcissistic abuse, have your back, and support you to be in an emotionally stable place. It takes a village to reclaim true freedom.

3. Don’t bypass the healing process.

One thing that infuriates me is the myth that trauma and mental health problems can at best be managed your entire life. That is not true.

Make sure that the professional you engage is trauma-trained and understands the specific struggles you are experiencing and knows all the traps to look out for and the way the human brain can sabotage your healing. For instance, panic attacks are common when you’ve been with an abuser, so your professional must know how to treat them.

It’s not enough to simply talk and bypass the pain intellectually or spiritually; trauma is stored in your body, and you have to actively rewire the fear center and timekeeper in your brain.

Nor is it enough to simply “work on the future” or tell yourself mantras you don’t believe. You cannot bypass processing what you’ve gone through. Otherwise your past will haunt you with a vengeance eventually

And remember, your job isn’t to forgive your narcissist; it’s to forgive yourself.

 

10 Tips To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship & Avoid Lifelong Trauma

 

4. Build strong foundations.

You’ll need to have a present and future to look forward to. You’ll need to learn to reclaim the things you loved and the parts of you that were wrestled away from you during the relationship.

Your goals must sync with creating strong foundations in who you are and across different aspects of your life—such as your body and health, mind, relationships, money, and career. Bad things happen in life, but they don’t last forever. When you build strong foundations, you actively grow and practice resilience. You become unshakable and learn to ride the waves of life.

5. Keep practicing boundaries, and know you have permission to have them.

We didn’t go to school and learn how to identify dark personality types or what boundaries are, so it’s not your fault. What you do with this experience henceforth, however, is your responsibility.

There are likely relationships in your life where your boundaries are eroded or poor, mirroring your relationship with the narcissist. Start by creating a list of your personal boundaries—the Hell No’s—in your life.

Take boundaries as your litmus test—respectful people who’ve unwittingly violated your boundaries will be apologetic and not do it again, whereas toxic people won’t. Write scripts for what you’ll say in certain situations. You’ll sound awkward at first. Just as it’s painful when you start training your muscles, you’ll get stronger and feel so proud of yourself.

6. Don’t tell everyone.

You don’t have to explain to everyone about what’s going on in your life, what you’re doing, and why you ended up in a toxic relationship. People will pry, some out of concern, others out of nosiness, and then a few because they want to signal superiority because they never landed in your predicament.

Difficult people will force their opinions and prescriptions for your future down your throat. Not everyone is on your side—take this as an opportunity to streamline your relationships.

For those who have your back who you don’t want to talk to about this, you can simply say, “I’m working on this with a trained professional, so let’s keep our time to what we can both enjoy.”

7. Stop bullying yourself.

You may be physically removed from the narcissist, but they can often live in your head. Abuse trains us to blame ourselves. You may realize that you’re angry with yourself for everything—not recognizing the abuse, falling in love, staying too long, or for even leaving. You’ll blame yourself for many things you continue to do.

To truly exorcise the narcissist, you have to commit to growing the muscles of forgiving yourself and taking good care of yourself. That means whenever you catch yourself lapsing into self-blame, you notice it without judging yourself and then do something to break that vicious cycle. Never go back to a narcissist relationship.

8. Make new memories.

Perhaps you’ve had tons of memories in a place you used to frequent with your ex. And you really enjoy that place. You don’t need to taint that solely with the past. Make new memories in activities and places with yourself or people you trust. Do not go back to any narcissistic relationship.

This may seem overwhelming at first. In psychology, we call this a behavioral experiment—we practice experiencing that our nervous system can regulate itself, and then we know we can prevail. And then these things you once held dear to you start becoming a part of your life again.

9. Make empathy your superpower.

Many clients I work with despise their empathy because they believe it got them into trouble. That’s not necessarily true. Empathy may be your Achilles heel because you aren’t selective of who you give that precious resource to; it’s also part of your identity, and you don’t want to be cynical and jaded.

You can practice discerningly diverting this empathy to yourself and those who deserve it. This way, it works for you rather than against you. Be mindful of any narcissistic relationship.

 

10 Tips To Heal From A Narcissistic Relationship & Avoid Lifelong Trauma

 

10. Know that we believe you.

The intricacies of a narcissistic relationship are such that it’s hard for someone who’s never been in one to truly understand. There’ll be a lot of doubt cast on you, making you wonder if you are truly silly for having fallen for one.

You’ll also doubt yourself if your narcissist was “that bad,” or if you’re being dramatic, because gaslighting erodes your sense of reality. Moreover, no relationship is 100% bad. There were good times, whether or not the narcissist’s intentions were real.

You don’t need everyone to believe you. Know that I believe you. There’s a whole bunch of us out there who believe you.

The bottom line.

Truly healing from a narcissist takes effort, as with anything. But the steps you can slowly gain proficiency in are fundamentally simple. What you have to watch out for is how we’ll always talk ourselves out of it.

Ask yourself: How do you want to see your future self—do you want to respect this person, or would you like to see them calcified into a worse version of what they are today? And then ask yourself: What legacy would you like to leave behind?

By healing, you inspire the people around you, your future generations, and other survivors of narcissistic abuse to believe that they have a future.

We can choose to whitewash our past by pretending it doesn’t exist, but secrets make us sick. Instead, I choose to live by this—I want my past to pay dividends, and I want my demons to work for me.

Writing from the other side, it is my deepest prayer for you that you’ll get there too.

These tips are helpful to avoid any narcissistic relationship in the future. Once you are in a narcissistic relationship, always be aware of the signs that it is abusive. Be ready to heal and get out of a narcissistic relationship. Once you get out of a narcissistic relationship, you’ll find peace in your heart.

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6 Secrets for A Long Term Relationship & Successful Couples

Polly Stevens

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6 Secrets for A Long Term Relationship & Successful Couples

We all want a long term relationship with our partners. Here are some tips on how to keep a long term relationship and why couples succeed…

When happiness disappears from a relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of all the wonderful things that drew you to love the person you’re with in the first place. While relationship experts often cite a number of common factors responsible for relationship fatigue (lack of communication, trust issues, lack of respect, etc.), one of the biggest and most underestimated factors is lack of happiness in the relationship.

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s easy to get caught up in your daily relationship routine and lose sight of the little things. The truth is, the little things are just as important. So how do you have a highly successful relationship and keep it that way? Here are six secrets.

Switch Things Up

It’s important that you switch things up from time to time so things don’t get boring in the relationship. Keep the relationship alive by doing things you haven’t normally been doing. If you both have been in the house a lot, take your significant other out somewhere special. If things have gotten a bit stagnant romantically, send your loved one sweet messages so they can smile when they’re at work. Keeping the passion alive is a key part of every relationship and will continue to keep the one you love happy in the relationship.

 

6 Secrets for A Long Term Relationship & Successful Couples

 

Support Each Other For A Long Term Relationship

Support is everything in a relationship. When you feel like the person your with doesn’t have your back or isn’t showing you support, many begin to crave or seek that attention and support from others. One of the biggest turn ons for in a relationship is a supportive loved one.

People love to know that they have someone special by their side when they want to try something new and that they’re loved one supports them in their pursuits. Be his or her number one cheerleader. Whether he or she is dealing with a big project at work, or searching for their calling, let them know that you’re there for them and show them that you will support them in every way.

Actively Show Your Love

If you want to keep your partner happy, it’s important that you not only tell them you love them, but also show them you love him so they know they don’t have to search for that love elsewhere. So many of us are insecure about things that have happened in our past and it’s easy for those insecurities to show up in the relationship.

Show your partner that they are important, valued and loved by doing little things to make them smile throughout the day. This could be anything from preparing a surprise, home-cooked meal to shooting them a short but sweet text message acknowledging him for the wonderful things they. Acknowledge them as the king or queen that they are.

Random Acts and Gifts

Let go of the relationship routine and surprise your loved one by doing something out of the box. Is there something they’ve had their eye on, a place they’ve been dying to go or even something they’ve been nagging you to do? Surprise them by showing them that you heard her cries, listened to them and were willing to follow-through. This not only shows them that you have the wonderful ability to follow-through with their desires and concerns but also how special they are to you.

 

Keep Confidence High in the Relationship

Remember, secure people are attracted to other secure people. Keep your confidence up. When you find yourself eating fast-food three times a day, falling out of your gym routine and lethargic, this not only has an impact on your confidence, but also your relationship confidence.

When you start letting yourself go in the relationship for whatever reason, it’s time to make a change, not for them but for you. It’s easy to get comfortable in a relationship and lose sight of you, but it’s important that you keep your confidence up, and are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually well as a reminder to your partner that they have something special right in front of him.

 

6 Secrets for A Long Term Relationship & Successful Couples

 

Keep Trust High To Make A Long Term Relationship

Many men and women bring insecurities around trust from previous relationships into their current relationships, and these insecurities can really pick at your relationship. While there are times when your trust may be challenged in your relationship, especially if you have confronted issues of infidelity, if your significant other hasn’t given you reason to not trust them, trust them!

No person who treats the one they love with respect wants to feel disrespected. If he or she isn’t doing things that normally raise red flags, don’t make them feel like everything they are doing is being tracked. Trust them and let them know that you know he’s yours.

Don’t be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes and let your loved one know how much you love them, not only in word but in action. While we all speak different love languages, there are few people who don’t want to feel like they are loved by the one they care deeply about and told that they are loved in return.

If you can’t remember the last time you told your special someone you loved them, do it now. You can never tell or show a person you love them too much.

Keep these secrets to help you in a long term relationship. Having a long term relationship is a blessing. Some couples do not make it because of differences. These secrets stated here are the ones used for successful couples in getting a long term relationship.

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7 Ways to Deal with Insecurity In A Relationship

Polly Stevens

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7 Ways to Deal with Insecurity In A Relationship
When in a relationship, we all must build trust. Trust can avoid insecurity in a relationship. Having the right communication process will keep the relationship stronger. Let’s learn more on ways on how to deal with insecurity in a relationship…
Relationship uncertainty is an unpleasant feeling to have when trying to pursue something serious with a partner.

If an individual is feeling uncertain or insecure about their partner, it could mean they don’t fully trust their spouse. It may also be a sign that they are feeling anxious about where the relationship is going. Or it could mean nothing at all.

Insecurity can spring from past relationships or from seemingly nowhere at all. Even if a person believes they’ve found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with, insecurities can trigger doubt and create problems in a once healthy relationship

Entering a new relationship should be an exciting, happy time in a person’s life. But for those who have had bad romantic experiences in the past, starting over can be a stressful experience.

How Uncertainty Ruins Healthy Relationships

When an individual is experiencing uncertainty or insecurity in their relationship it can quickly create disharmony between partners.

To begin with, not knowing where the relationship is going creates a lack of accountability between spouses. Can they trust that their partner is being faithful? If one were to lose their job, could they rely on their spouse to help carry the load?

Without knowing how each partner feels about the other it will be impossible to move forward with a serious relationship.

Having toxic thoughts about oneself and their relationship may also lower self-esteem. One partner may begin to blame themselves for any problems or doubts they’re having regarding their relationship. This can create a downward spiral of depression.

 

7 Ways to Deal with Insecurity In A Relationship

 

1. Couples Must Communicate

Communication is the key to feeling comfortable in a relationship.

If something from one’s past is bothering them or bringing up old insecurities, this person should speak openly with their spouse about it. They won’t be able to move forward with a healthy, happy partnership unless they share what is truly bothering them.

2. Talk About Relationship Goals

Partners who are feeling uncertain about the future of their once healthy relationship should sit down and have an in-depth talk about where things are going. This conversation need not be scary or nerve-wracking.

Couples should ask each other how they feel about the relationship. Do they have long-term goals of marriage or starting a family? How serious are they about being monogamous? Are they comfortable if either person in the relationship is still in communication with a past love? These are important questions to ask.

One can either sit around worrying about the relationship or they can do something about how they’re feeling. By talking it out, couples will be able to comfort one another and get a clear understanding of where the relationship is going.

3. Stop Comparing

The best relationship advice for doing away with insecurity in relationships is to stop comparing.

A comparison is the thief of joy. A jealous or insecure partner can drive themselves crazy thinking about their current partner’s past relationships. Such thoughts can cause stress and anxiety to build and can lower self-esteem.

If one compares their current partner to their ex or compares themselves to their spouse’s last relationship, they’ll soon become miserable. Partners should enjoy each other for who they are, not who they wish they would be.

4. Work on Building Trust to Avoid Insecurity In a Relationship

Trust is essential for a healthy relationship. Partners who trust one another experience less stress and anxiety in their lives because they don’t have to worry about how they feel for one another.

Couples can work on building trust is by enhancing their physical intimacy. Studies show that oxytocin increases trust between partners. This bonding agent is released during skin to skin contact with a loved one and is highly beneficial for a marriage.

5. Narrowing Down the Problem

If one spouse is feeling uncertain about their relationship, doubt and fear can make it difficult to ask the important questions that could resolve the issue. In order to build a healthy relationship, partners must each do some personal reflection and find out what is truly bothering them.

Here are just some of the reasons why individuals grow uncertain about their romantic relationships:
  • One partner wants to start a family but isn’t sure how serious their significant other is about marriage and settling down
  • Past romantic experiences are triggering a negative outlook on a current relationship
  • One partner does not treat the other well
  • Anxiety blooms when one spouse realized they are not in love with their partner anymore
  • There is no trust in the relationship

6. Embrace Independence

If some is focusing so intensely on their relationship that they’re making themselves feel insecure or anxious, a shift in focus becomes necessary. The best relationship advice for embracing independence is to maintaining hobbies and friendships away from one’s spouse. Doing so will help foster healthy independence.

When individuals take time to focus on their own hobbies and interests away from their spouse, it transforms them into a more well-rounded person. This independence is an attractive quality that will be good for both their relationship and mental health.

 

7 Ways to Deal with Insecurity In A Relationship

 

7. A Change in Attitude

Who doesn’t enjoy hearing how special, attractive, and worthy they are? Reassurance is lovely to hear but relying on constant reassurance from a spouse in order to feel comfortable in that relationship can be exhausting for both parties.

Changing one’s attitude can go a long way toward developing a healthy relationship. Whenever When moments of insecurities arise, many find it helpful to make a list of their positive qualities. This paper will serve as a reminder that they are worthy of love and admiration from a partner.

The best relationship advice to avoid uncertainty and insecurity in a relationship is for couples to learn to enjoy each other. They should also strive to keep honest lines of communication open. Doing so will keep both partners on the same page about the relationship.

 

Thoughts:

In every relationship, we need to feel secure. We take comfort in trusting our better half. But most of the time we feel the insecurity in a relationship growing. There are several relationships ruined because of the insecurity in a relationship. These ways here will help us a lot in saving our relationships. We have to avoid growing insecurity in a relationship. We need to love and trust more.

Original article by Sylvia Smith. She is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage.

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Why Men Fall Out of Love—What Every Woman Should Know

Polly Stevens

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Why Men Fall Out of Love—What Every Woman Should Know

Everybody talks about falling in love, but rarely do we tackle the issue of falling out of love.

Maybe we think “falling out of love” is a fallacy. We ask ourselves, “How is it possible for someone to be in love today, only to fall out of love tomorrow?”

Frankly, when I was younger I never believed in falling out of love. Although I was faced with many relationships endings, I refused to believe that they ended because the other person or I, fell out of love. I would claim that if love was true, it wouldn’t have ended. I basically reflected romantic novels and movies into my own life. We would like to believe that love is easy and has a happy ending, no matter what. Sadly, we are too egocentric to admit that somewhere along the way we did something wrong.

Men can fall out of love fast…


Make your relationships work by learning about effective communication here: 5 Core Practices for Effective Communication


The truth is, relationships are flimsy.

They need a whole lot of work. Some of us become complacent once we reach a stable level with our partner. We jeopardize the relationship and take the other person for granted, only because we are certain that nothing will make this person leave.

This is what makes men leave:

At first thought, it might seem bewildering to hear this topic coming from a woman.

Well, I have been surrounded by men throughout my life. The majority of my close friends are men. This, in return, has allowed me to gain a greater understanding of a man’s mind. Furthermore, I think I was blessed by few partners who wore their hearts on their sleeve, and helped me obtain an absolute vision of what pushes a man away.

Despite the understandings I have observed in men, one cannot generalize. There are millions of reasons of why a man might fall out of love.

Now of course, it is not a thing that happens within the realm of 24 hours.

why men fall out of love

Falling out of love is a process.

Men sometimes tell women what is wrong, but unfortunately we don’t believe them—we think they are manipulating us. Because we’ve been brainwashed by romantic movies, reality seems too unbelievable for us. We only take men seriously when we see them starting to lose interest or walking out the door.

Men are simple creatures, really. Women are much more complicated than men. The sexes are entirely different from one other. Being complicated, however, doesn’t mean that women are bad. On the contrary, it only means that our minds were programmed to decode every behavior and to overthink almost everything—unlike men.

The problem is not men. The problem between men and women is not knowing how to deal with each other. Since men are more discreet than women, they have us thinking that they are too complicated and hard to dismantle. But once we really understand and thoroughly grasp what a man wants, dealing with them become much easier—and
keeping them around isn’t rocket science.

Here are some of the attributes that might drive our man to the nearest exit:

Being too clingy.

A clingy woman is a woman who is in constant need of her man’s presence. She keeps texting and calling when he is not around. She wants to accompany him wherever he is going. She cancels her plans for him and expects him to do the same for her. Additionally, she is constantly impatient.

Clinginess is also tied to mental and emotional neediness as well. Being too attached, too clingy and too needy, shows a man that his woman is insecure. Men think that a woman who keeps breathing down her partner’s neck is a woman who literally has no life but him. When we think it’s cute, men think it’s a turn off. Revolving our life around our man will only make us lose him. Space is pivotal. We should have our own life, our own plans and maintain our personal independence without expecting our man to always be there.

Why do they fall out of love?

Being overly dramatic.

Our man chose us because we were happy and fun to be around. Men love women who know how to keep their own happiness in check and who display patterns of positivity. With time, if we tend to overanalyze and overthink, and turn almost everything into a problem, our man will see us as a problematic drama. When he tells us to stop being dramatic, we don’t believe him and continue to sabotage our relationship.

When women are consistently dramatic, men will associate them with negativity. It’s not wrong to be emotional, but it is a red flag to be overly sensitive and dramatic all the time. Men don’t know how to deal with dramatic emotions. The relationship is already perceived as an important responsibility for a man. However, if we keep on maintaining drama, our man will feel as if he has three responsibilities to take care of—his, the relationship and our happiness.

Not feeling appreciated.

Almost every man’s self-confidence is quite flimsy. Even though most men don’t admit it, they fear love because they fear failure. This is due to the pressure society had placed on men. They should work, make money, build a successful future, man up and take care of their families.

Too many responsibilities have been placed on them. Hence, not feeling appreciated or getting these vibes is a big failure to a man. The biggest mistake women make in relationships is making men feel guilty and blaming their unhappiness on them. With time, the man will feel like a big failure if he can’t make his woman happy and satisfied. Women should appreciate the smallest gestures and affirm their manhood. Letting them know they are succeeding in the relationship is pivotal for the relationship’s growth.

 

why men fall out of love

Not meeting his needs.

A man likes to feel loved. We usually underestimate the importance of a man’s feelings. We think he has no feelings but he has plenty. Emotional needs for a man are as important as physical needs. We can’t expect a man to meet our needs if we don’t meet theirs—it’s as simple as this.

Sexual fulfillment, support and admiration are the basic needs for a man.

These things could lead men to fall out of love…

Tying him down.

Most men fear commitment because they fear being tied down. They fear having to stop meeting up with the guys, watching football games and having plenty of beers. Every man has his own perspective about personal space. If he lost his personal time to a woman, the woman will lose him.

Some women try to abolish their man’s personal freedom and space. When they do, he will feel as if he has been placed in a cage that he can’t escape.

I believe everything will work out just fine in relationships if both sexes understand their differences.

Men are simple. If our man tells about something particular that has been bothering him, we should take it into consideration. Men are straightforward. If they want to be left alone, they will tell us, “leave me alone.”

All we have to do is respect his needs so we don’t push him away.

Always remember to treat him with space, admiration, positivity and self-independence. If your man mentions other red flags than the ones I have mentioned, do not neglect them. He is not manipulating you. He is trying to help you understand him, so you can have a better partnership.

Men are good. They are humans. They fall in love. You need to treat them right in order for them to stay and not fall out of love. There are things that men experience and trigger them to fall out of love. The lesson here will help you find a real relationship. With you and with others.

Original article by Elyane Youssef

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