“Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don’t take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don’t worship them. 6. Don’t get your hopes up.”

 

Bruce McCall

“One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.”

 

Bruce Lee

“In good times, people want to advertise; in bad times, they have to.”

Bruce Barton

“America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.”

 

Bobcat Goldthwait

“If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and you wouldn’t have an opportunity.”

 

Bob Parsons

“If it was easy, everyone would be doing it, and you wouldn’t have an opportunity.”

 

Bob Parsons

“My whole family thinks I’m gay, I guess it’s always been that way. Maybe it’s ’cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like… boys.”

 

Bo Burnham

“When life gets you down, make a comforter!”

 

Bo Burnham

“People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, ‘Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?'”

 

Bo Burnham

“Women are like fingers and toes because they’re easy to count on.”

 

Bo Burnham

“What’s a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy”

 

Bo Burnham

“There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?”

 

Bo Burnham

“Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it’s really fun to do and Oprah’s on it.”

 

Bo Burnham

“When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.”

 

Bo Burnham

“Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.”

 

Bo Burnham

“Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?”

 

Bo Burnham

“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

 

Bo Burnham

“If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.”

 

Bo Burnham

“Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.”

 

Bo Burnham

“Where are all the sour patch parents?”

 

Bo Burnham