“Not even Barbra Streisand celebrates herself as tirelessly as golf celebrates itself.”

 

Bruce McCall

“It’s easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister’s fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification.”

 

Bruce McCall

“Here’s a simple way to abolish golf’s elitist and exclusionary image and make it a truly all-American sport: ditch that fifties-Republican-martini-drinker’s green Brooks Brothers-style sport jacket and make the winner of the Masters slip on something in, say, black leather with plenty of metal studs.”

 

Bruce McCall

“No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can’t even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul.”

 

Bruce McCall

“My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“What’s the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?”

 

Bruce Lansky

“My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I’d rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“I don’t think I’ll live long enough to shoot my age. I’m lucky to shoot my weight.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance.”

 

Bruce Lansky

“A round of golf is the ideal antidote to stress.”

 

Bruce Forsyth

“If I go out one night, I must stay in the next. It’s the same with my golf. If I play one day, I don’t play the next. I try to pace myself.”

 

Bruce Forsyth

“Golf is hugely important, as it keeps me going.”

 

Bruce Forsyth

“When I married Wilnelia, one of the first things I wanted to know about Puerto Rico was the quality of the golf courses.”

 

Bruce Forsyth